Silence
by theway.youare13
Summary: season 21. After a busy night at the precinct, Amanda finds herself between life and death.
1. Chapter 1

_**This one is quite different from what I usually write. But enjoy! I'm not sure what to do next. Maybe, I'll write the same part from Amanda's perspective, or maybe a sequel… it's also possible I just leave it there. Time will tell.**_

**WARNING: death is a thematic of the story. If you feel like this is not appropriate for you, don't read.**

They had been short-staffed for two months now. Everyone had been working harder than usual so that victims didn't suffer from the situation at the precinct. Olivia was so stressed up that every second now, something could get out of hand. Fin and Amanda just tried to make her life easier, avoiding complaining. That night though, Amanda couldn't wait to go home. She'd already put a double shift and skipped lunch. The man she arrested a few hours ago was in the interrogation room. She just needed to get over with him, and then, she'd finally be able to rest.

"Let's get this over with, shall we?" The blonde asked, since Olivia didn't find the time yet to come help her.

"Ok Fin, wait 'till the girl regains consciousness and call me back", said Olivia on the phone. "All right, I'm ready", the captain quickly smiled to her detective, aware that she so much deserved a break.

But as they were about to enter the interrogation room, a middle-aged woman came in. She was a mess, and you could instantly tell that something happened to her. An officer had been trying to welcome her, but she avoided any eyed-contact with him. She needed Olivia, of course.

"Go, I've got this!" Rollins didn't mind interrogating the suspect by herself. Rollins never objected working alone, to be honest. Did she feel invincible or was she just never thinking about her own safety?

Olivia hesitated for a few seconds. It was against protocol.

"Liv, gooo, that woman needs you" Amanda insisted.

"Ok" Olivia whispered before directing her attention to the now crying woman.

Everything seemed to be under control, and the precinct was quiet. Almost too quiet, Olivia thought to herself. Careful to give the woman in front of her the attention she deserved, Olivia shook her head a little.

"I know this is hard, but can you start from the very first thing you do remember?", she asked the still crying woman in front of her. And here was the silence again. The awkwardness of silence that most people can't stand was usually well appreciated by the captain. She never understood why people would always feel the need to fill up the blanks in a conversation as if the density of nothingness would prevent them from existing. But this time, her gut told her that something wasn't right. Once again, Olivia focused on her task, until she heard an officer shouting for help.

In no time, Olivia was out of her office and following the crowd movement in the direction were Amanda was interrogating a suspect. When she realised her detective, her friend might be the one actually needing support, she started running.

Olivia froze in terror at the scene unfolding in front of her eyes. Two cops were trying to restrain the man Amanda was interrogating. As for her friend, she was laying on the ground, motionless.

No wonder why people despise silence. It reminds them that we are nothing, or so little. Life and death depend on silence.

Olivia needed to get out of her trance and start to take action. Every second mattered.

"Someone call a bus" she screamed in intense fear as she kneeled next to the unconscious shape of her friend.

"Amanda" she screamed, as she desperately tried to shake the woman.

With her right hand, Olivia felt for a pulse, while she pressed her head closed to the woman's heart.

Silence.

She could only hear the outrageous silence.

Olivia didn't even feel the tears cascading on her face.

"I can't feel a pulse" Olivia half shouted as one cop unbuttoned Amanda's blazer to have better access to her heart in order to perform cpr.

"She's not breathing" she heard another officer exclaim.

Blue marks were already forming around Amanda's neck, letting everyone know she had been strangled. Should she tilt Amanda's head back or would she do more damages? Olivia was usually so reliable under stressed situations, but this time, it was different and she couldn't fight the feeling that she was about to die herself. Another man took the decision for her as he carefully applied pressure on the woman's forehead and opened her airway.

"Move" Olivia managed to order as she pinched Amanda's nose and pressed her lips against Amanda's. She needed to get a hold of her emotions otherwise she would never forgive herself.

As she blew through Amanda's mouth, she could see the woman's abdomen raise and fall.

Another breath, another up and down. As long as Olivia would breathe for the unconscious woman, she would be embraced by the rhythm of life.

"Still nothing" The muscular policeman who was pumping Amanda's chest was getting out of breath, and another officer was getting ready to replace him but Olivia pushed him away.

"I've got her" she assured. Until Amanda's body was ready to assure its function, Olivia would be her connection to life.

"I may have broken her ribs" the policeman confessed, as he felt Amanda's ribcage crack under the strong compressions, but the captain didn't answer. She was already in position, her two hands pressed against Amanda's static chest, making sure nobody gave up on the detective. The occasional jolt of a body part, caused by the compressions made Amanda look like she was already too far gone. Did she abandon the battle?

"Don't you die on me! Don't you dare die on me!" Olivia screamed as she pumped the woman's heart. "You have to fight!"

It felt like an eternity before the paramedics finally arrived.

"How long had she been in arrest?" They asked

"A little over five minutes" One of the cop answered

"We kept her alive! She's alive" Olivia certified. "You keep her alive", she ordered.

"We need to intubate" The paramedics tore apart Amanda's white shirt, exposing her bruised ribcage. Her bouncing stomach every time her heart was pushed made it seemed like she was still in her body.

"Amanda" Olivia whispered, still trying to stay close to the woman.

"She needs a c-collar"

"Continue CPR"

"M'aam you need to move" The paramedics had the situation under control. There wasn't much Olivia could do now, but she refused to let go of Amanda's hand. It didn't matter what they said. Amanda needed to know that she wasn't alone and that Olivia was fighting for her, with her.

After they pushed numerous needles into the unconscious woman, one of the paramedics finally affirmed that they could go ahead and shock her.

They used the defibrillator once, and Olivia couldn't help but scream in terror as she saw the detective convulsing.

Everyone was holding their breath, hoping to hear Amanda's, but there was only silence.

"One more time"

"Everyone clear"

"Come on Amanda, you can do this" Olivia implored.

That's when the time stopped. Everyone's heart forgot to beat for a second, and just like nothing ever happened, the silence was finally broken.

"We've got a rhythm", they affirmed and every cop in the room started to applaud.

For half a second, Amanda opened her eyes, and even though she didn't give any sign that she was aware of her surrounding, Olivia placed her hand on the woman's cheek.

"You're gonna be okay, my love", she whispered more to herself.

Silence hadn't won, not this time.

Amanda hated silence anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

_JaggedHands__ : glad you liked it ! thank you for saying it !_

_Guest__ : Thank you, I followed your advice !_

_TheodoraAltman__ : hehe_

_NoUsernamesAreAvailable__ : thank you so much ! I felt pretty insecure about this story, but I figured why not ?! I'm flattered you liked it._

_A Million Dreams __: You have no idea how delighted I was to hear from you. I've also thought about you during those years and sometimes, I'd wonder if we would ever be able to communicate again ! I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through though, and even more sorry that I didn't know about it. I truly hope you're doing better and I would love to speak more with you. As for me, well, I've been ok, not going as fast as I wish I would, but it's fine. I've been writing – not fanfiction though. One day I hope to share my stuff ! I remember you not wanting to speak in private, but if you ever change your mind, please PM me. We don't ever need to be more personal than that, I just feel really exposed talking about me like that._

**SAME STORY AS CHAPTER 1, AMANDA'S POV. (Noah, Billie and Jesse don't exist in this story)**

The interview of the suspect wasn't much different than with any other case. Except Amanda was feeling exhausted and a little lightheaded. She couldn't remember last time she had a day off and even though she felt privileged that Olivia would rely on her so much, she didn't know for how long she could keep up working this many hours. Aware that she might appear a little distracted when she first entered the interview room, Amanda decided to raise her game a little. She would get closer to the man, and speak right up to his face as a way to intimidate him. He was in his late thirty's and didn't look like a potential threat. To be honest, he seemed to be more out of it than the detective actually was. Amanda could always tell when people were high, mostly because the environment in which she grew in.

She'd always despised the nonchalance of those who didn't bother too much about appearing coherent and didn't care about anyone's judgment. Her life was just the opposite: control was everything to her.

Resistance. It has always been Amanda's way of dealing with life. No matter how hard things would get, she'd always find the strength to stay strong and keep going. She resisted when her father beat the hell out of her mother. She resisted when she was abused. She resisted when she was betrayed. She didn't know any other way.

When out of nowhere, the suspect punched her in the guts, she resisted the pain. Except that she couldn't breathe and therefore, couldn't react. She found herself on the floor, and the first thing she could remember is how freezing it felt. Was her blood running cold?

"Help!" She tried to scream, but the sound wouldn't come out. She didn't realise right away that it was because her throat was being tightened.

Resistance. Amanda would just push through the pain and defend herself as soon as an opportunity would present itself.

Resistance. In the meantime, she tried to fill her lung with so much needed air, but oxygen didn't agree with her.

Resistance. She stared her attacker in the eye, and there was no fear, only rage. If this was her last moment, then she would be proud to say that she gave a hell of a fight.

Amanda didn't see her life flash before her eyes, she just went from resistance to abandonment. Once second she was, the other she wasn't. Just like that. Like life never existed.

Like she never existed.

Control has been taken away from her. She wasn't sad though, quite the opposite. There was only love, unconditional love around her. And she was free. Free from judgment, free from her perspective, she felt eternal and nothing in the whole world would ever be worth this liberation. Resistance had been preventing her from finding love all along.

For a while, Amanda even forgot she once had a body. But soon enough, she found herself attracted by those she loved. Her mother? Fast asleep in her living room back in Atlanta. Her father? In a bar, somewhere in Arizona. Damn, she hadn't seen him for so long. Despite everything that happened, she would have loved to know where he was. Just know he was safe. Her sister? In jail, chatting with her cellmate. Fin? Working on a case. Frannie? By the door, waiting for her to come home. She loved her dog more than most human she'd ever met, and she felt sad of not being able to kiss her goodnight. Olivia? She should have never thought about her friend, because the second she did, immense sorrow filled her up. That's when Amanda realised what happened. She died. She died and it was okay, until she felt Olivia's pain. Olivia was resisting. Refusing the reality of the situation. Olivia was not letting her go.

Amanda couldn't tell how much time had passed, but she knew she had a choice to make. She could walk away, right now, and never look back. After all, she did deserve a break. Life had not always been kind to her. Or she could stay where she was, and she'd never have to fight again. She was so tired of resisting. Time was going by, and Amanda had always been left behind. Always fighting twice as hard as anyone, and never being appreciated for who she was. She finally had an escape door, a place where she would be forever loved.

Olivia's pain felt unbearable, though.

"Don't you dare die on me." The brunette shouted at her unconscious body in despair

"I don't know if I can, Liv. Would you be so mad if I wouldn't?" Amanda was trying so hard not to let Olivia's pain call her back into her miserable life. Only now she had realized there was so much more she could be, if only she abandoned her body.

"You have to fight" Olivia insisted.

Amanda could feel Olivia's hands touching her heart and she placed her own hands upon Liv's. In the smallest gestures, in every choice we make, love can still be found. Maybe, choosing love in a world where hatred existed had more value than soaking in eternal love. There were people on earth who loved her so much, and they made life worth it. Olivia was one of the few people that made pain worth it.

"Ok, Liv, I'm gonna fight" she whispered.

"You need to come back right now"

She'd never been a tactile person, and now, all Amanda wanted was to be able to wipe Liv's tears. She tried to, but to no use.

"I'm trying Olivia. I'm trying. Just give me a moment here because I don't know how"

"We got a rhythm".

Notwithstanding the unbearable pain, Amanda forced herself to open her eyes. She had to let Olivia know that she would be here for her.

"Let's get ready to transport her" the half conscious woman heard the paramedics say, but it was all too much for now. Amanda was just hoping that her friend would not leave her alone in the ambulance with those men she didn't even know. She was so cold and however the oxygen they were giving her, it wasn't enough for her to stay awake.

"You're gonna be okay, my love"

"Her pulse is weak but stable for now" the paramedics said

Amanda attempted to talk, but everything hurt too much. Relief invaded her though when she finally could feel Olivia's hand squeezing hers.

She was alive, and she was loved.


	3. Chapter 3

_A Million Dreams__ : No pressure, no promises, I'm fine with all that. One thing you should know about me is that I care a lot about people and at the same time, I don't need them. I'm not sure how NOT to sound rude by saying that. I believe we should all do what we feel, without having to explain ourselves. Ending by saying that I hope to hear from you soon suddenlty feels fake but it's not actually. It just means : I'll be glad to hear from you when you're up to it ! Take it easy ! Bless XX _

**Thank you ALL for your kind reviews, they mean a lot !**

Amanda has been admitted in the ICU for the time being. The first 24 hours would be crucial and she needed to be monitored closely. The doctors were optimistic, though, since preliminary analysis reported that brain activity was within the norm but they couldn't know for sure until she fully regained consciousness. Olivia was outside the hospital room, waiting for the nurse to settle Amanda before she would be allowed inside.

Fin was already at the hospital when he got Liv's message therefore he didn't take long to join the anxious Captain.

"How is she?" he asked with concern.

Olivia threw herself in his protective arms. "It's on me" she confessed between two sobs. "It's my fault Fin"

Fin didn't know the details and to be honest wasn't looking for someone to blame except the man who attacked her partner. "Amanda wouldn't want you to blame yourself"

Olivia composed herself a little. "She's in and out of consciousness. Doctors say it might just be the exhaustion. It's my fault Fin, I've pushed you all to the limit"

"It's not like you weren't working as hard as we were. When times are hard, family help each other. That's what we do, and what we're gonna keep on doing."

The nurse announced Amanda was awake, even though she was disoriented. She was trying to talk but the nurse couldn't understand her. Olivia and Fin hurried inside the room.

Seeing Amanda connected to this many machines made Olivia panic a little. She wasn't used to see the younger detective so vulnerable. With a trembling hand, Amanda tried to remove the oxygen mask off her face but Fin prevented her to do so.

"Hey Baby girl" the reassuring detective put his hand on Amanda's shoulder. "The mask is helping you breathing. You don't wanna take it off"

Even though Amanda seemed confused, her eyes were scanning the room, as if she was looking for a way to communicate. When Olivia grabbed her hand though, she calmed down instantly.

"Honey can you squeeze my hand?"

it took some time for Amanda to figure out how, but she finally did.

"You're in the hospital. Do you remember what happened?" Olivia asked in concern.

The weak woman gave another squeeze.

"Okay" Olivia breathed in relief. "That's good. That's great Amanda." The captain didn't want to overwhelm the exhausted woman but when she withdrew her hand, Amanda squeezed harder than she did before, displaying a glance of terror.

"I'm right here love. I'm not letting go of you. I promise."

Amanda slightly nodded and her features relaxed while Fin grabbed her other hand.

"We got you, you can sleep tight" Olivia whispered

"Well, not too tight" Fin joked and he could swear Amanda laughed a little.

"That's my girl" he said as she allowed herself to close her eyes.

The nurse came back a little later, explaining that visitors weren't allowed to stay outside visit hours in the ICU, but Olivia wasn't about to break her promise. She showed her badge and explained she and Fin needed to assure Amanda's protection. The nurse most likely didn't buy the story, because she knew who Olivia Benson was from past cases, but after a few seconds of hesitation, and mostly because of Olivia's pleading eyes, she finally agreed to let them stay.

It was the middle of the night, and there was no change on Amanda's situation. Fin didn't take long to have a nap, but Olivia couldn't resign herself to do so. She'd just watch Amanda breathing as if the worst could happen any minute. Fin woke up to witness the edginess of her Captain.

"Liv, why don't you try to sleep a little? We're here if she needs us, but in the meantime, you should get some rest"

"She stopped breathing Fin. For five minutes, she didn't take a breath"

"Because some sick bastard choked her"

"Because of me, she's lying in a hospital bed, in critical condition. I don't know if I will ever sleep again Fin." The way she whispered the last few words told a lot about her sense of culpability. It was like she was in worst pain than Amanda.

"Thanks to you, she's alive. Doctors said she was extremely lucky that you guys started reanimation right away. You saved her life Olivia"

"What if she never recovers?"

"Soon enough, Amanda will drive us crazy because she'll want to go home against medical advice. I know it like the back of my hand"

Maybe Fin shouldn't have been so confident.

Suddenly, Amanda's breathing became erratic. She was grabbing her bed sheets and in no time one of the machine she was attached to started ringing and the kind nurse from before rushed inside the room.

"What's going on?" Olivia asked on the verge of tears.

The nurse increased the oxygen level to help Amanda returning to a normal rhythm.

"She's having a nightmare. They can be frequent and quite intense on heavily medicated patients" she explained to reassure the brunette.

Olivia would have caught the sign without nobody telling her hadn't she been influenced by her own confusion.

"Amanda, you're safe. You're in the hospital. We got you." Olivia whispered, while softly stroking Amanda's hair and her forehead. "You're safe with Fin and I"

Olivia tried to get Amanda to let go of the sheet, but the terrified woman must have felt trapped because as soon as Liv touched her arms, she gasped for air. The brunette immediately let go and resumed the previous gestures of comfort.

"It's me, Olivia. I have you. you're okay. You're okay"

Amanda eventually woke up from her trance with plaintive eyes.

"You're safe" Olivia repeated once again, gently drying the tears and she felt Amanda's head gratefully leaning on her touch.

"Oh honey, what can I do?"

Amanda desperately needed to communicate. For a while, she just stared at the brown eyes containing the world's wisdom. The brunette must have known what Amanda needed because when she lifted the oxygen mask Amanda nodded.

"You're ok Liv" That's all she needed to say.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi! It's been a long week and I didn't find time to write. How have you all been doing? **

"When can I go home?"

Amanda had been recovering for two days, mostly sleeping because the medication made her feel drowsy. This morning though, she was decided.

"Amanda, you're still on oxygen!" They were now administrating oxygen through the nose, to support the air intake, but Amanda felt it was unnecessary. "I breathe just fine." she insisted.

"I am glad you're feeling better but you need to take it slow!" Olivia had spent most of her time in the hospital. The deputy chief had been covering for her at the precinct, until they could get the incident sorted. Both women would have to explain themselves, but none of them had been feeling up to it. Amanda struggled to stay focused and deviated the discussion every time someone asked about what happened the day she was attacked. As for Olivia, guilt was preventing her from making a report. She was the responsible in charge, and there was no doubt that the grave professional misconduct would cost her the job.

"I want to go home Olivia" the blonde stated, her voice determined. "And you should go too. You should be at work… I should be at work!" A wave of stress hit Amanda, but she managed to keep her emotions under control.

Olivia provided a sympathetic gaze and sat on the edge of the bed. She wasn't absolutely certain now was the best time, but Amanda seemed well enough to handle the conversation. And to be honest, there would never be a good moment for what she was about to say, so she might as well get it over with. She nevertheless made sure the detective was calm before starting. "About that, I've had some time to think and.."

"No Liv.. not now.. work is all I have.. I know I messed up but.. don't fire me.. not now.. I need to.. pretend everything's will go back to normal.. I need to.." Amanda was delivering her speech into pieces. She inspired quickly and every time she expired, she spilled a new piece of information, like the wind suddenly rushing right before a storm.

The bad weather could still be avoided. Olivia was quick to grab Amanda's hands and squeeze them tightly. "Oh honey, you're not going to lose you job!"

For a moment, none of them talked, at least not with words.

Amanda stared at Olivia's kind eyes hoping to extract the truth from them. The radiant security instantly helped her to slow her heart down. Olivia nodded, guiding the upset woman towards peace. And for a moment they were just contemplating at each other. Allowing someone into one's eyes is evidence of trust, but also access to precious information. That's why people don't maintain contact for more than a few seconds. The vulnerability one can feel if being stared for too long can be compared to an offensive invasion, almost a violation.

Even though Amanda was not at her best, she was still a good detective and a few seconds were all she needed in order to steal a piece of pain inside Olivia's eyes.

Silence was broken, once again, when Amanda started sobbing. This time, the storm didn't donate any warning, like the thunder tears the sky apart. "No… you can't…!" was all she managed to say. "You can't!"..

Amanda was inconsolable and Olivia was left incredulous. Did Amanda guess about her intention? Or was the woman falling apart for another unknown reason? Anyway, she would ask later, Amanda's emotional reaction was getting out of hand.

"Take a breath!" Olivia instructed, while trying to establish eye contact once again. But Amanda's face landed on her knees and she refused to move, except for the violent sobs that were shaking her whole being.

It didn't take long before the machine she was still attached to started ringing and two nurses, one male and one female appeared, concerned.

"I have her!" Olivia assured, knowing perfectly well that their presence would upset Amanda even more.

"No, you don't!" drily answered the female nurse as she caught the oxygen mask from the wall.

"Amanda your oxygen saturation level is very low. I need you to use the mask for me!" the nurse demanded, as she sympathetically patted the devastated woman's shoulder.

Amanda's reaction to the touch was predictable. She violently flinched and even though she wanted to scream, no sound could escape her mouth as it was so difficult to even breathe.

"We should give her a sedative!" the male nurse suggested but Amanda shook her head implicitly pleading Olivia to step in.

"Gimme that!" Olivia grabbed the oxygen mask from the nurse's hand.

The captain moved to the back of the bed and strongly pulled the wreck of Amanda against her, while placing the mask on her face.

"It's ok honey, just take a few deep breaths!" Olivia whispered. "Nice and easy!"

Fortunately, the mask did most of the job and soon enough Amanda was able to calm herself. Olivia nodded, letting the nurses know that they could leave them.

"We would prefer that recovering patients don't find themselves that upset!" the female nursed offered a disapproving look to Olivia, before exiting the room. Luckily for her, she was still reassuringly holding Amanda and therefore chose not to engage.

"Better?" Olivia amiably asked before removing the oxygen mask from Amanda's face.

Even though Amanda couldn't stop the tears from running, she nodded.

"You can't resign Olivia."

Olivia is in a good position to know how excruciating guilt is. She felt so trapped in her own sense of culpability that she forgot to measure that Amanda might experience the same shame as hers.

"Amanda this is not on you.." Olivia had so much to say, but Amanda placed her hand upon the brunette's mouth.

"Liv I can't win at this, I don't feel so good. So please, can you let me speak?" Since Amanda wasn't one to usually complain, Olivia wondered if she dared to play the sick card at her own advantage. Obviously though, she couldn't refuse.

"I know you feel guilty. I do too. But it's not about that." The detective claimed, not even bothering about how the tears made her look foolish.

"Amanda you.."

Once again, Amanda's hand, with malicious sweetness, prevented the captain from speaking.

"This is not what we are. We don't quit from our life Olivia! You didn't let me go. And you're an hypocritical if you leave yours now!" Amanda sounded angrier than sad for a while, but as she kept going, words seemed broken, almost injured by her still sore throat. But it didn't matter how much it hurt she had to keep going. "It gets hard sometimes. And not having to breathe..." Amanda cleared her raspy voice, "...not having to face life might even seem like a relief.. but we don't quit Olivia!"

Amanda turned so she could face the brunette, once again.

"We fight!" Amanda's stubbornness was sometimes hard to channel. But Olivia knew it was also her biggest weapon. "Right?!" the blonde asked, almost imploring; she needed to hear it.

Olivia dried her own salty eyes. The blonde caught her in a lie, and fought for justice. Like she always does, like they both do for a living.

"Right!", Olivia finally said, not like a capitulation, but with the same strong-minded tone that Amanda used.


	5. Chapter 5

**_How are you doing? I'm sad the season 21 ended. It was such a good season! And I miss Amanda. I wanted to say I'm sorry that I have a bunch of stories unfinished. I really seem to struggle with ending something and also, I keep having new ideas and then I get distracted. Anyway, is there one of my stories that you'd like me to absolutely get back to? _**

Amanda was finally released from the hospital. Luckily, she didn't suffer any permanent damage. They'd still explained that she shouldn't expect much from her body during the convalescence. She would feel tired and shouldn't play the hero. The more she would respect her body, the quickest she'd recover. No exercise for at least two weeks! She rolled her eyes at that last sentence, her two cracked ribs still hurting like hell. But she nodded at the doctor through it all.

Olivia on the other hand, was already imagining how Rollins would do the exact opposite. She was right about that.

"I've got this!" Amanda assured, refusing Olivia's help to enter inside the car. Despise her best efforts to hide the pain that bending down was causing her, the captain could see right through her.

"You literally just agreed to not play the hero!" Olivia reminded both worried and annoyed at Amanda's stubbornness.

"I don't plan to run a marathon Liv. I can enter a fucking car!" Yet, the blonde kept holding her breath, as to reduce the efforts around her ribcage.

On the driving seat, Olivia had a hard time focusing. Every time she couldn't hear Amanda's normal breathing rhythm, she would slow down the vehicle, just to make sure everything was ok.

"Do you want me to drive Olivia?!" Amanda asked with her usual sass.

"I'm a little nervous!" Olivia finally admitted.

"Really? I hadn't noticed!" Amanda chuckled. "Come on Liv, you know how bruised ribs can hurt! I'm ok though, I promise!" She gently squeezed the unamused captain's arm.

"I've been dying to have a shower in my own bathroom!" Amanda exclaimed as soon as she entered the apartment. "It's just not the same, ya know? You never feel as clean as you do when you wash in your own place!"

While Amanda kept on rambling about how nice it would feel to finally be able to set the temperature exactly how she liked it, to use her favorite type of soap, and the softest towels she owned, Olivia couldn't really focus. Her brain stopped at _I've been dying. _Amanda had been dying indeed.

"Those awful hospital towels are just useless! Liv… are you even listening?"

"Yeah, sorry.. About that, do you think it's a good idea though? I mean you've just got home. It has been quite a ride!" Olivia's usual confidence was nowhere to be seen. She was trying to keep herself busy, cleaning around Amanda's kitchen, readjusting the pillows on the living-room and yet, her nervousness was all over the place.

"Liv, I haven't moved in a week. I'm all rested!" Amanda affirmed, taking a step closer to the woman.

"The doctors said you would feel tired!" Olivia insisted, not convinced at all by Amanda's apparent energy.

"And when it happens, I'll let you know! In the meantime, relax Liv. I haven't hired you as a cleaner!"

"You're right!" Liv acknowledged, offering an unconvincing smile.

As soon as she was in her bathroom, Amanda put down the brave face. She was in pain. Not just her ribs, but her chest wall in general. Her throat felt sore from the tube they had put in to help her breathe. Her whole body didn't feel like it should. The fact was she didn't accept that! Amanda refused to let pain be her guide. She used to be an athlete when she was still in high school, and that's when her body hurt the most that she'd push a little harder. That's how she became stronger, day after day. She wasn't being stubborn to save her dignity. It was her own way of not letting herself spiraling down. Of course, after many years in SVU, she softened up, opened her heart, and allowed herself to be personal and vulnerable, once in a while. But it didn't apply to physical pain. She could take it, and her body would just have to go with the flow. It took her a while, but she managed to get herself cleaned up without having to ask for help. She felt proud. Exhausted, but proud.

"What do you want for dinner?" Olivia asked

Amanda's eyes lightened up. She wasn't particularly hungry, but again, the perspective of not having to eat hospital food opened up her appetite instantly. She turned around to face the woman leaned against the window. "Mmh I don't know. Give me a minute to figure out what's the unhealthiest food I can think of!"

"'Manda! Come on be serious for five minutes!"

"I'm dead serious! I want a burger with fries and.."

"Stop saying that!" Olivia interrupted harshly.

"Saying what?" Amanda asked, squinting her eyes in confusion.

"Dead." Olivia whispered so faintly that Amanda couldn't hear it. But she saw her friend grabbing at the windowsill, almost losing balance and for a second, she forgot her own pain, rushing up to the woman's side.

"Dead." Olivia repeated, her eyes filling up with tears. "You were dead and I can't.. I can't hear you say the word.. You were just lying there and.. and.." Olivia was talking so fast, her emotions all over the place. "I can't breathe!" She finally shouted before she started violently sobbing.

"Hey.. Hey Liv… here.. It's ok!" Amanda gently reached for Olivia's face, trying to dry her tears, but the intensity of the meltdown could not be stopped. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Amanda kept repeating, trying her best to provide some comfort, to no use. "Slow down Olivia!" She commanded in what should have been an authoritarian voice, but her own tears started to fall. It hurt to see Liv in so much pain!

It took Amanda all the strength she had to simply lift her arms, but she had to hug her best friend into her arms. "Come here Liv!"

Olivia could not move. She'd nearly lost one of their own, one of the best human being she knew, and the anxiety it caused her was unbearable. Up until now, she didn't have the chance to address it, since she spent her whole time at the hospital. The shocking image of an unconscious Amanda, that her brain mischievously used to torture her over and over, was replaying once again and this time, she couldn't take it anymore.

"Come here sweetie!" Amanda repeated, inviting Olivia's head to lean against her shoulder. The captain was inconsolable.

"Listen! Listen Liv!" Amanda finally grabbed Liv's forearm, and placed it against her own body. "Feel!" Amanda pleaded with a broken voice. She placed Liv's hand upon her heart. "Feel it!" She repeated a little louder.

The strong and stubborn heartbeats of her friend was all she needed to hear. "You're ok!", Olivia finally persuaded herself.

"Always."


End file.
